While sitting in a hostelry, alone one Sunday night,
A fella came across to me and asked me for a light,
He offered me a cigarette; he bought me half a beer,
And we were getting friendly when he whispered in my ear.

Chorus:
My proper name is Clarence, but you can call me Clare,
I wear sexy undies and I peroxide my hair,
My politics are liberal, my outlook's liberal too,
In fact my dear, I'm a little bit queer and I've taken a shine to you.

Well I supped my jar; I left that bar, faster than a scalded cat,
Caught the landlord's eye as I went by and I stopped just for a chat,
I said, "Hey, he's propositioned me. Do you allow that there 'ere?"
Well he didn't get riled, in fact he just smiled and then he whispered in my ear.
Chorus

Well off I did go, to the new disco, to find myself a bride,
Picked up this pearl of a factory girl, and took her for a ride,
In the back of the car, I got so far, then I froze with fear,
When I felt this lump and my heart went thump and he whispered in my ear.
Chorus

Next day at eight, I called my mate, he promised not to tell,
By a quarter to nine on the production line, the foreman knew me well,
They called me misses and they blew me kisses, the boss he got to hear,
For me he sent, to the office I went and then he whispered in my ear.
Chorus

[I joined the health service, to train to be a nurse,
With stethoscope and fob watch, with pride I fair did burst,
My charge nurse said he'd teach me, the kiss of life technique,
Well first he turned the lights down and when he began to speak, he said,
Chorus]

Song written by Mitch who hails from Worksop, UK. This version from the singing of Ken Barmman.