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The characters
in the Flintham play are:
- Tom Fool
- Recruiting Sergeant
- Farmer's Man
- Lady
- Beelzebub
- St George
- Doctor
Tom Fool
In
comes one who's never been before,
I
can't get through the window
So
I've come in thro' the door.
Good
evening Ladies and Gentlemen
A
Happy New Year to you.
There
are several more actors at the door,
Some
can dance and some can sing,
By
your consent they shall come in.
Oakom,
Pokom, France and Spain,
Step
in Sergeant, o'er the main.
Recruiting Sergeant
In
comes I the recruiting sergeant.
I've
arrived here just now.
I
have orders from the King to list all jolly fellows
That
follow either cart, horse or plough.
Pedlars,
nailers, tinkers, tailors,
Chimney
sweeps to me advance.
The
more I hear the fiddle play
The
better I can dance.
Tom Fool
If
you begin to sing, dance or say,
I
will quickly step away.
Recruiting Sergeant sings
Come
all ye lads that bound for listing.
List
and do not be afraid.
You
shall have all kinds of liquor,
Likewise
kiss a pretty maid.
Enter Farmer's Man
In
comes I the farmer's man.
Don’t
you see the whip in my hand
As
I go up to plough the land
And
turn it upside down.
Straight
I go from end to end,
I
scarcely make a break or bend,
And
to my horses I attend
As
they go marching round the end.
Gee,
Whoa, Back, Banker.
Recruiting Sergeant to Farmer's Man
You
will list young man?
Are
you free, able and willing
To
take this shilling
While
on your old hat I pin this ribbon?
Farmer's Man
Yes,
sir
Recruiting Sergeant sings
Ten
bright pounds shall be your bounty
If
along with me you'll go.
Your
old hat shall be trimmed with ribbon
Likewise
cut a gallant show.
Farmer's Man
Thanks
kind sergeant, I'll take your offer.
Time
and away dost quickly pass.
Dash
my whip if I'll grieve any longer
For
a proud and saucy lass.
Enter Lady singing
In
comes I a lady bright and gay
With
fortune and sweet charms.
So
scornfully I've been thrown away
Out
of my true love's arms.
He
says that if I don't wed with him
That
you will understand.
He
will list for some old soldier
And
go to foreign land.
Farmer's Man sings to the Lady
Madam,
I've got gold and silver
Madam,
I've got house and land.
Madam,
I've got rings and jewels,
For
me to put on thy right hand.
Lady sings to Farmer's Man
What
care I for gold and silver,
What
care I for your house and land,
What
care I for your rings and jewels,
All
I want is a handsome man.
Farmer's Man sings to the Lady
A
handsome man will not maintain you
Neither
will his money flow.
I
am the man's that's got the money,
And
it's money that made the old mare go.
Tom Fool to Lady
Do
you love me my pretty maid?
Lady to Tom Fool
Yes
Tommy, to my sorrow
Tom Fool
When
shall be our wedding day?
Lady
Tommy,
love, tomorrow.
Tom Fool
We'll
shake hands and we'll lock banns,
We
will be wed tomorrow.
Tom Fool joins hands with Lady and Recruiting Sergeant with Farmer's Man
Enter Beelzebub
In
comes I, old Beelzebub,
Over
my shoulder I carry my club.
Under
my arm I've a frying pan,
Don't
you think I'm a funny old man.
(If
you don't, I do)
Enter St George
In
comes I, St George the champion bold,
With
my bright sword
I
won ten thousand pounds in glittering gold.
I
fought the fiery dragon
And
brought him to a slaughter
And
by that means I gained
The
King of Egypt's daughter.
I
turn myself round, is there anyone who dare stand before me tonight?
Tom Fool to St George
I
will last night but not tonight.
St George to Tom Fool
You
will tonight for I will hiss,
I
will slice you in ten square pieces
And
make your ribbons fly.
Recruiting Sergeant
Hush,
hush, young man don't get red hot,
For
whom you're daring you know not.
With
my sword point there is no doubt
If
you've a mind we'll fight it out.
St George accepts the fight
Tom Fool
Stir
the fire and strike a light,
And
see this fellow act tonight.
One,
two three.
Fight begins. Beelzebub steps in between then and is wounded by St George
Tom Fool
Oh
George, oh George, what hast thou done?
You've
gone and slain my only son.
My
only son, my only heir,
How
can you see him bleeding there?
St George, pointing to the Recruiting Sergeant
He
challenged me to fight, how could I deny?
Tom Fool
Five
pounds for a doctor.
Recruiting Sergeant
Ten
pounds to stop away.
Tom Fool
Fifteen
pounds.
But
he must come on a case like this.
Doctor enters
In
comes I, a doctor.
Tom Fool
You
a doctor?
Doctor
Yes,
me a doctor.
Tom Fool
What
do you cure?
Doctor
Ipsey,
pipsey, palsy, gout,
Pains
within and pains without.
England,
Ireland, France and Spain,
Over
the hills and back again.
Draw
a tooth, set a leg,
Raise
the dead to life again (occasionally).
Doctor
hands his gloves and walking stick to the Lady and then looks at Beelzebub's throat
Doctor
Well
this old chap is not dead but in a trance,
His
pulse beats very true and irregular. It beats
Fourteen
times the tick of my watch once, that's once an
Hour
and by the size of his throat he has also
Swallowed
a donkey and cart and one of the wheels won't digest.
I
have here a small box of pills.
Tom Fool
Yes
doctor.
Doctor
These
priceless pills, these priceless pills,
They
cure both body and soul.
They
kill cats and rats and make a leg of mutton tremble
Half
a mile away.
I
have here another box of pills Tommy.
Here's
stilts for shrimps, glasses for
Blind
bees, crutches for lame grasshoppers.
He
must take two in the morning and I'm sure if
The
pills won't digest, the box will.
Tom Fool
I'll
see he takes them, doctor
Doctor helps Beelzebub to his feet
All sing
We
are not the London actors that act upon the stage.
We
are the country plough boys who plough for little wage.
The
mire is so very deep, the water runs so clear.
We
wish you all good night and another happy year.
We
thank you for your Christmas box and a pitcher of your beer.
The Doctor leaves his address
Mr
Killy-me-I-do, where the monkey fought
The
weasel up the apple tree.
Good
night and I thank you.
Exit Fool
And
now our song is ended
You
see our fool has gone,
We
take it as our business
To
follow him along.
We
thank you for your civility
And
what you've given us here.
We
wish you all good night
And
another happy year.
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